|again and again...
||[Jul. 6th, 2006|10:54 pm]
|[||The Sounds In My Head!!!!!!!!!!!
|||||"Endlessly," She Said - A.F.I.||]|
okay, so here i am again, sitting at my computer reading AFI fanfics, pumping carbonation into my gut for hte sole reason of belching it out and listening to DECEMBERUNDERGROUND feeling sorry for myself as i come across and read an old website full of writings about the girl... cha, w.e i write htese little blogs like anyone's actually going to read them so let's jsut be honest. B. there, it's her name and it's not like anyone will ever read it printed here. anyone who knows her at least. well, i was reading through this od stie and some little blurb I had written and i remember why all of this shit seems o artificial and pointless to me. the only reason i had tried to "have a life" in the first place was to make her happy. to seem healthy so she woudln't worry abotu me. and now i think i might actually have a shot at trying to be happy in a life without her while at the back of my mind i can't help but hear myself scream "you can't be happy without her!" in this blurb i'm pisse dat her for giving me a 'false hope' so as to remain longer on this earth. I can't believe that i can actually sit there on the phone listening to her talk about how much she's in love with someone else and not scream my head off but i cna't because i want to keep her happy. i can't do anything to hurt her without hurting myself tenfold because i can't bear to see her unhappy. i'm sitting here just marveling at how incredulous it is as i fill in answers for her over the phone for her mySpace survey getting every question exactly right. "how do you know all this stuff about me?" i just want to scream "because i'm fucking in love with you and everything about you i want to remember and keep forever because it's as close as i'll ever get to the real thing again!" it's like those fangirls wo scrape up every piece of their favorite rockstar they can find because they mean so much to them but they'll never really mean anything to this idol. it's only different because with her it's not just fandom it's fucking lvoe and it's so frustrating because through all her boyfriends who fuck her over and all the times that bitch has been a moron and made her cry somehow i'm still fucking here making sure she's going to be alright. how fucking thick can she be!?!
okay, now i'm just ranting but i dont' understand how she can't see that i could be something that works. in a few months i'll be back here and i wont' be going anywhere. i've never cheated on her while we were "going out". I would never do anything her boyfriends have done. i would never lie like steph. and chris0she fucking lvoes him? oh, the things i could tell her. so much shit he's done that she wouldn't believe. of course that part of this all make sme evil too, but i'm not suposed to be the one faithful to her. great job he's doing.
this is just fucking amazing what she can't see. i think she does. i just dont' know why she doesn't drop this shit and admit it.